When we moved back to Rhode Island, I had every intention on finding a full-time job again.
That changed when we found out I was nine weeks pregnant. No one seemed concerned that my cycle didn't return right away because I was still breastfeeding.
Looking back I don't know why I made things so hard on myself.
I had this sense of conviction that I was going to do whatever it took to be able to breastfeed for as long as possible AND still work full-time.
I wasn't going to let "work" get in my way of breastfeeding.
It was such a hassle. Waking up at 5:30AM to pump, nurse the baby before heading to the office, pack the pump, bag, cooler, ice packs, pump attachments, bags, drying rack, gah.
So much to carry!
One morning I forgot my power adapter to the pump. I nearly broke down in tears.
Jumping back to that time seems so removed to me now considering I've changed so much since then.
Breastfeeding was such a challenging journey but mostly because of the education and troubleshooting that is required.
Funny how life can just change so quick. Two eggs back to back. Boom.
The nausea set in one morning and it was the first thing I thought. Confirmed.
We just moved across the country and living with my cousin and her family.
Our stuff was in storage units. My baby was 11 months. Enter full panic-mode.
No one was going to hire me. I was huge. Yeah, yeah yeah.
If you know me, you are probably rolling your eyes. "everyone says that" or "But she's so tiny". Legit. I was huge.
My second pregnancy, I was diagnosed high-risk with polyhydramnios. At 39 weeks, I was measuring 43. Huge.
Towards the end of my pregnancy I wasn't able to care for my oldest.
The risk of cord prolapse was too high. I had a lot of negativity towards myself.
I felt helpless and full of mom guilt.
Being this far away from my break with MSU, I realize that I was grieving over my career.
I have two kids in diapers and recovering physically, socially, mentally, etc. from the last three years of being pregnant. I went from fourth trimester to being pregnant again. The toll was heavy.
I had a newborn and a 20 month old baby.
When I told my mom I had postpartum depression (PPD), her immediate response was she didn't believe in depression because it was "a state of mind".
I didn't appreciate what she was trying to tell me because it stung.
I was deep in the darkness.
What I needed to hear at the time was that I need to give myself some grace.
That I am in an incredibly hard position and to be nicer to myself.
Now I'm part of the "two under two" survival tribe.
I needed to change my mindset, but I needed help getting there.
Seeing through that darkness and into reality.
This was my fourth trimester. #SupportHer